Parody-Liverpool Bought by Kampung Nangka

SIBU, SARAWAK-Liverpool FC has yesterday afternoon been sold to villagers of Kampung Nangka, a small village in Sarawak after failed attempts by previous owners John W Henry's New England Sports Ventures (NESV) to revive the winning trend.

Image: top-footballer.com

The Merseyside team faced an uncertain future after takeover by ex American owner Tom Hicks and George Gillett. There has been another takeover then, which was done by John W Henry's New England Sports Ventures (NESV). With over half a billion pounds needed to build a new stadium restroom and a club restaurant, the team was heading for financial doom.

To make matter worse, Joe Kol and other fringe players, who have been sitting on fat contract aren't willing to move on to other clubs despite limited playing time.

Liverpool FC chairman Martin Broughton, who broke down after the deal, said he was "extremely delighted" to "successfully conclude the sale process which has been thorough, laborious and extensive.

"The board decided to accept Kampung Nangka's offer on the basis that it is buying Liverpool in order to put it on an excellent financial footing and continue to develop it internationally.

"This is a good deal which comprehensively resolves the pressing issue of the club's debt and should give staff, players and fans great confidence regarding the future of Liverpool FC."

Liverpool Manager Roy Hogson expressed his relief at the news, saying that it was ‘a very good day for the club and the folks of Kampung Nangka.

“Well it’s about bloody time, ain’t it?” said Hogson. “I mean, here we were, a massive club with incredibly talented manager like me, not knowing whether we'll be able to perform well this year,” he said.

“I sure am glad for those fine people up in Sarawak. God bless the village of Kampung Nangka.”

The village chief, Haji Tok Samad, when met, said that it has always been the village people’s dream of owning the legendary football team, and that dream came true after their farms had a good harvest this year.

Pak Ali, a neighbor of Haji Samad shows us the Pisang Nangka in his kebun.
Image: pakcikkebunpisang.blogspot.com

"Alhamdulillah, we finally got to do it. But it's too early to say what we're going to do but we're here to win, we have a tradition of winning - We(the villagers of Kampung Nangka) are the greatest fan LFC has ever had, and we will do whatever is necessary.

“The kampung folk had been footballing with everything — footballs, basketballs and even buah jambu — to satisfy our football needs.”

Haji Tok Samad said that the purchase decision was made after a meeting at the Balai Raya. “We calculated our profit we got from the harvest, and decided that this was the perfect time.”

Samad revealed that the proposal to buy Liverpool FC initially had faced criticism from some quarters in the village.

“Some of the people were against the plan at first, preferring to put the money into buying Manchester United from the Glazers instead.

“We, the village council, understood their concern and had explained to them that this is the decision made based on the tradition of our village - our datuk-datuks has always been the supporters of Liverpool FC so we as the younger generation ought to fulfill their dreams.

“They were not convinced. But what turned them around were these,” said Samad, laughing while showing a stack of season tickets and showroom passes for every match in the 2010/2011 calendar.

The new owners were confident of their Premier League chances this season.

“The team now has all of us at Kampung Nangka praying and willing for their success before each match. The kampung’s spirit will roar along with every kick of the ball. Despite hovering at 9th place as of 26 Dec 2010, I believe we will be able to climb up the ranks and grab the title by May.

“Get ready to eat shit, Manchester United and Arsenal. Oh, and Chelsea too.”


Malcolm
p/s: this is a fake news. As a Manchester United fan, this is my wish for Christmas 2010. XD